Happy birth day.

She's here!!!

Necklace

I saw a necklace ages ago on Etsy, but it was very expensive. I decided to buy similar beads and make it myself. Months ago. 

Everything has been sitting in a drawer, waiting. 

Today, with the enforced rest rule, I took advantage. I think it is lovely and feels good on. I started to make a matching bracelet, but quite honestly my heart wasn't there, so I stopped. 

I don't need to force myself into creative tasks, and happy things shouldn't be done if they make me unhappy!  

I'm about to head up for day two of early to bed, late to rise. This morning I did have more energy and felt better so maybe there is something to all of this!  

Sleepy time

Had my 39 week midwife appointment today.  My blood pressure seems to be creeping up a little bit again, so I need to figure that out. The other issue that came up was my inability to get a good nights sleep. My wonderful midwife and gave me a whole list of things to try. She said the number one reason they have to transfer first time mother to the hospital it's for exhaustion.  Obviously I want to avoid that.

Half an hour before bed, which she suggested to be 830, I have to have a cup of chamomile tea and take a hot bath.  After 25 minutes in the tub, I need to take a combination of skullcap passionflower and St. John's wort tinctures.  

I also need to start taking evening Primrose in the morning and evening. This is to help my cervix get ready and soften.  

Having a bedtime makes me feel childish and silly. Especially one so early. It is now 8:29 and I feel so not ready for bed.

To manage the blood pressure I'm also supposed to be taking it easy. This gets me frustrated. I want to be doing I want to clean the kitchen floor.  

This is an opportunity for me to remember I can ask for help. I can tell my husband I need help. I can accept less than perfection.

I will play by the rules set for me. I want a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy. I've come too far to have these problems now.  

I can't do it all, but i'm still doing it

Today i am 39 weeks pregnant.  My coworkers regularly check by and "announce" i am still here, working away.  Unfortunately we are rather light at work and being a short-timer means they won't actually give me any projects to work on.  It's all rather frustrating, as i want to prove i still belong here, but it's hard when there is nothing to do.

This past weekend was additionally a blow to my ego.  I've done the Red Dress Run a few times now.  It was my first 5K back in 2010.  It's a women's only event through a gorgeous area with an awesome atmosphere.  When i first got pregnant i was recovering from a running injury and my hips got very wobbly.  Yoga and hiking have been good, but no running, so i decided to walk this one with my dear Mich, maybe hoping it would encourage this baby to appear sooner than later, just a little.

The last few weeks i've had some pelvic pain as my body prepares for giving birth.  Walking at a fast pace made me uncomfortable, but i was determined.  As the first place winner passed us (the course doubles back at one point) i was cheering and missed a pothole.  And tripped.

I've fallen while running alone before, but not at a race.  Immediately Mich was helping me up asking if the baby & i were ok.  A volunteer on a bike appeared within seconds and checked me out as well.  It hurt my pride.  I felt clumsy and slow and awkward and a little shaken.  I teared up as Mich kept checking in.  The man on the bike found me later on the course and checked in again (as if i needed more evidence HMF has the best volunteers!).

After the race i was very sore and in need of water.  I was proud to finish (58 minutes) but needed a break.  I felt anger with myself for being weak.  The walk to the car after (about another mile and a quarter) was slow and mildly painful.  Although twice the option to get picked up was offered i turned it down.  I did not want to appear fragile.  I did not want the level of pain i was in to be obvious.

I'm supposed to work on being receptive.  I would know part of that is allowing myself to be cared for, by friends and strangers.  But needing care?  Needing to slow down?  To admit i can't do everything myself right now to the level i want to?  It kills my ego.  I take so much pride in my strength and stamina, my ability to push through my own challenges to get things done.  I sometimes feel like my body is waving a white flag of surrender and my brain is still wanting to battle.

It shows in other places too.  Last night was date night with Ian, and it was good, but my body is so awkward now.  Duncan worries about me tiring myself out, which i do, but the list of things to do is ever growing and he has limited spoons too.  I'm doing my best, and i know at some point my best will return to what it was.

Admitting i can't do it all is harder than actually trying to do it.

Before our walk

Challenges in blogging

I feel like i'm so busy doing i don't have a lot of energy left to write.  This past weekend was a mixture of nesting & social.  Duncan and i bought a new couch, chair and ottoman.  This is the first furniture i've ever bought new that i can think of other than a futon in college, which was meant to be disposable to some degree.  It looks very nice, we just need to take out the old couch now.

Saturday was some family of choice time.  We made a lunch of sandwiches and relaxed at the playground nearby.  Katie is so fearless it is awesome to watch her go.  Connor sometimes hesitates, but with a little cheering he tackles stuff too.  A perk of polyamory - Duncan and Ian stayed at home to build the crib after talking cameras for a while.  We gave this smores-in-a-cone idea a try afterwards and totally YUM!  Foods that are customizable are so great for our family given there are 2 people avoiding gluten, 1 vegan, 1 who can't have dairy or nuts and 1 picky toddler.

Sunday Ian and I went off to Devil's Hopyard.  It's one of my favorite parks, and he'd never been.  It was quite crowded by the falls, but we took the orange path a bit by the water and found lots of quiet. The path we took was much rockier and a harder hike than i had planned for in my skirt and flip-flops, and 8.5 month pregnant belly, but actually not that hard.  I'm so glad we've been hiking all summer and keeping me in shape!

I want to get back to my morning routines and higher productivity, but my body right now isn't there.  This baby just likes to sap a lot of my energy out of me!  

from xkcd

book of days

outside my window... the branches of the tree shaking just a little
my thoughts... authenticity, hiding, quiet
today's quote... “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for extraordinary destinies.” - C.S. Lewis
i am thankful for... coworkers who laugh with me
i embody service by... investigating candy.  No, really.
i feed my body with... Tums.  The baby is making me queasy
i am wearing... a new skirt and soft shirt
i am creating... another set of figures for work
i find adventure... in exploring my personal mirrors
i am reading...  When Fear Arises
i manifest and co-create... quiet
i hear... the gentle hum of the a/c
i find joy in... knowing there is a farmer's market today
i am planning... ideas for the big secret project
still life... This strange phrase to have on a truck (we were at a stop light)

book of days

outside my window... the clear sky after yesterday's storms
my thoughts... searching for compassion, being receptive
today's quote... Be patient with yourself. You are growing stronger every day. The weight of the world will become lighter…and you will begin to shine brighter. Don’t give up. - Robert Tew
i am thankful for... quiet time at work
i embody service by... providing a gentle reminder of self care
i feed my body with... starbucks, maybe not the healthiest choice, but a refreshing treat
i am wearing... a long skirt and soft layers on top.
i am creating... a clearer, more effective way of getting information across
i find adventure... in addressing bits of my own baggage
i am reading...  reddit :-P
i manifest and co-create... an internal awareness
i hear... a quiet calm
i find joy in... seeing flowers in the garden despite all the weeds
i am planning... chores and preparation for the baby
still life... Cone flowers in the garden

Book of days

outside my window... the wind is making the leaves flutter
my thoughts... sluggish, distracted
today's quote... "It takes courage to be the author of your life." Nicholas Lore
i am thankful for... being able to acknowledge i don't love being pregnant
i embody service by... being honest about my body & status
i feed my body with... iced coffee.  i needed the caffeine!
i am wearing... a stripey dress
i am creating... figures at work to help show a site has been cleaned up
i find adventure... in researching how to care for myself
i am reading... a letter from a friend
i manifest and co-create... quiet confidence
i hear... quiet
i find joy in... knowing i won't be pregnant forever!
i am planning... the little free time this evening
still life...

Book of Days

outside my window... another sunny summery day
my thoughts... trying to maintain affection despite tension
today's quote... "With love and patience, nothing is impossible."
i am thankful for... Reminders to be grateful.
i embody service by... Flirting
i feed my body with... Blueberries!
i am wearing... Long skirt, comfy layered tops
i am creating... by writing a post on relationships
i find adventure... in new ways of thinking about The Big Project
i am reading... about the Supreme Court
i manifest and co-create... patient relationships
i hear... click-clack keyboards
i find joy in... knowing it is date night
i am planning... what things must happen this week
still life... a messy desk

Book of Days

outside my window... sunshine and little fruit on the tree
my thoughts... excitement, joy, and a twinge of sadness for others
today's quote... “The best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.” — Steve Maraboli
i am thankful for... a coworker expressing kindness out of the blue
i embody service by... taking tonight's dinner order (and will make sure it is correct!)
i feed my body with... unsweetened iced tea with lemon
i am wearing... a long soft skirt, cami and summer weight sweater, everything is soft
i am creating... the structure for a long term goal
i find adventure... in music and energy
i am reading... a report as i make the last edits to it
i manifest and co-create... loving acceptance
i hear... punk rock
i find joy in... discovering the bunny next door has built a burrow
i am planning... a mix of fun adventures and steps to prepare for birth
still life...

Book of Days

outside my window... summery sunshine
my thoughts... are scattered - baby prep, work, relationships, family, chores, projects
today's quote... "Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens." ~Epictetus
i am thankful for... an unscheduled night to work on projects
i embody service by... pondering how i can best support the man in the arena, as Ian goes through significant challenges in his work.  i will listen patiently and remind him of his strengths and skills.
i feed my body with... cool water from my glass waterbottle
i am wearing... leggings with a hole in the thigh by accident, and a comfy grey tunic top
i am creating... improved figures for a project at work
i find adventure... in the changes my body is undergoing as my pregnancy progresses
i am reading... not enough!
i manifest... determination
i hear... the hubbub of the office
i find joy in... having a productive plan in place
i am planning... to spend the evening buying birth supplies and managing laundry
still life... this bunny next to my car this morning

Book of Days Experiment

I know, i know, i am a total slacker lately.  I did end up wearing skirts or, more appropriately, not pants for 30ish + days.  It's been warm, so it's so much more comfortable to throw on a skirt when work allows.  Our hiking trips have continued, and so does baby prep.  I can't believe there is just barely a month to go!

I'm going to experiment with a Book of Days to try and return to a morning practice.  I got off track and feel it.  Each day i'd like to try and answer some questions for myself as part of a check in.  These are based on some similar items i've seen around the web.

outside my window...
my thoughts...
today's quote...
i am thankful for... 
i embody service by...
i feed my body with...
i am wearing...
i am creating...
i find adventure...
i am reading...
i manifest and co-create...
i hear... 
i find joy in... 
i am planning...
still life...

i might adjust with time, but we'll see how this goes.

Skirts & Packages

Ok, don't jump to conclusions with that title!

So Namaste recently launched a monthly magazine, Kama, Cara & Chol.  She is the woman who put together the Sacred Feminine Intensive i've been working through.

In the magazine she offered up a challenge - 30 days of skirts & dresses.  She didn't offer any hard & fast rules beyond that.  Because of my career & hobbies i can not exclusively wear skirts or dresses - pants are required on job sites for safety.  I decided to give myself a few little guidelines and take up the challenge.

So, my guidelines:

• From this past Sunday, May 10, until June 9, i will consciously choose to wear a skirt or dress for at least some of the day.
• Nightgowns count as dresses.
• I'll aim to take a picture every day, in a skirt or dress.
• I won't be wearing a skirt or dress where it would be inappropriate (construction sites) or uncomfortable (hiking).

So far i am 3 days in, and 3 for 3.  I've stuck with shorter skirts, in part because we're in summer weather!  I've felt some self consciousness balancing the length of the skirt and the positions i find myself sitting in to be comfortable.  The denim skirt i'm wearing now has a little less mobility than the jersey skirt i had on Sunday, and enforces a more traditional "ladylike" posture.  

In other news, the big box of medical stuff for the baby's birth arrived yesterday.  I was sort of surprised by how small it was.  Everything was neatly organized and arranged.  It made things feel more real than ever that i may very well birth this baby at home.  I've been slowly but surely stocking up on things we'll need in the house, items needed for the birth kit and whatnot.  This simple brown box though was definitely a little bit of a wake up call though.  This is real.  In the next 2-3 months i am having a baby.  Probably at home.  

I am so unprepared.  

I will keep working.  I will get things done.  I will keep cleaning, organizing, making space.  I will keep taking care of my body and learning the skills i will need not just for labor but life with a tiny human.  I will fall down sometimes and i will mess up and i will make peace with that.  

I can do this.  I will do this.

Getting More Done in a Day

4 days of getting up early.  4 days of starting the day the same way - a bath, reminding myself each day i start clean & new, meditation, journaling and then some thinks over a healthy breakfast.  I clean the pans and head to work.

Work has been slow, but i still feel like i'm making things happen.  I'm getting very diligent about putting my ideas into Remember The Milk, so that when i go home i know what needs to be done.  I know tonight i have a little over 2 hours of things to do, although that includes making dinner (which is already a known thing and ingredients have been bought).  Most are very minor things, like getting gas on the way home, getting & sorting the mail, and running the dishwasher.

The time for the small stuff adds up, but getting them done is often quick and means less stress later.  Running the dishwasher daily, for example, means everything is clean & ready in the morning.  No annoyance of not having the thing i want ready to go.

This life is comfortable.  I am working hard, without a doubt.  I realized last night i was actively doing until after dinner, around 7 PM.  Since i started at 5 AM, that's a long day!  But i also had so much to show for it - 2 crammed boxes of yard reduced to 1 with plenty of space, a yummy & healthy dinner for Duncan and i, honey & orange lip balm made, some minor edits to my altar space completed, errands run, and more.

At the end of the day, yes, i am tired.  It's a good tired though.  Not the tired of boredom and lazy, the tired of knowing my brain and body have done good work and now it is time to rest.  I sleep more soundly, even with my pregnant body making that more difficult.

Today my morning has kept the same flow.  I watched one of the videos for the intensive, and will start to focus on the Queen/Mother archetype Monday, when i've gotten through the rest of the videos for this section.  Work is picking up, which is nice.  The weekend has fun and busy, which will keep my spirits up without sacrificing my progress.

3 days of 5 AM

Today is the 3rd day of getting up at 5 AM and doing the morning ritual.  There are bugs to work out, without a doubt, but i am finding a flow.

Most of the glitches are minor - like putting on my work clothes, then sitting on the floor at the altar and getting a little dusty.  Or the cat meowing as i try to meditate.  Some of these i can control, others are just things to accept.  I made some notes in my Remember The Milk list for tonight to change a few details that may help.

Alas, i also think i need about 5-10 more minutes, so tomorrow the alarm goes backwards to 4:55.

I did much better managing food yesterday.  Lots of veggies at every meal.  Today i finished planning my meals for next week and it's another week full of greens and healthy.  I intend to do a bulk cook for the meats again.  It has been helpful, and since it's often the thing that makes me take longer too cook a meal, i don't mind it just getting done all at once.

Which leads to a conversation i had with Mich this morning about ease.  Planning my meals, pre-cooking elements, makes eating healthier so much easier (aside from overcoming the temptation of the drive thru).  Having less clothes to look through makes it so much easier to get dressed.  My purse having a distinct home makes it easier to find and go out.  Using RTM for all my to-do's makes it easier for me to be productive and plan my evenings.

I am working, but it's toward a simpler life.  I feel as if i am getting more done at once, and making the day flow easier.  The more i do the more i feel a sense of freedom about my home life.  Having less stuff helps, but also places for things to go, and making a habit of putting things away when i'm done with them.  It's an extra step, but an extra step that provides calm and assurance that the things i need will be ready & waiting for me.

Every Day I Try

Yesterday was, in theory, my first full day following the "rules" of the Sacred Feminine Intensive.  My altar is still missing a few things, and there is still a little here & there to do, but it was ready enough that i'd soon be delaying in the name of perfection.

I mentioned previously about the challenge of food stuffs, and yesterday the challenge won.  I ate a candy bar.  And then too much eggplant parm.  And chicken.  And bread.  And some more candy.  Just grazed all evening on too much junk.  Then i went to bed, tired and feeling bad.

So today i try again.  Breakfast was once again pretty healthy - a little quinoa with a quarter of an avocado, some mushroom and kale cooked up and 2 eggs.  I have a mason jar salad ready for lunch.  I think the amount of grains in both is probably alright, particularly since quinoa is a pretty healthy grain.  Plus lots of good greens!

I have a plan for a snack & dinner, and even dessert (banana "ice cream").  All very plant based and healthy.

Today being a new day and another chance was my focus.  When i bathed i told myself i was washing off yesterday and starting clean again.

I hope to use this evening for productivity as well, going back to my project in the basement as i declutter and organize.  I haven't made any progress since Saturday.  Even an hour or two is making a huge difference in getting things done, and it's such tangible progress i feel really proud.

How does food serve me?

I'm not used to thinking "Does this serve me? How does this serve me?".  I'm used to focusing on how i can serve others.  It feels selfish to ask for things to serve me.

I'm giving myself some previews of the Sacred Feminine Intensive before i dive into it full on.  I'm waiting for a few more items for my altar and know that the early mornings will take some adjustment, so i'm giving my body some time to do that.  Last night i watched another of the videos, this one on eating during the process.

My issues around food are... complex.  I binge, often in secret.  I tend to match the eating habits of the person I'm with.  This is particularly not healthy when it is my husband - with 120 lbs on me and a distaste for veggies.  I also need to factor in time and laziness, as both impact what i eat.  I have a total sweet tooth.

These habits don't serve me.  Eating too much feels good for a little bit - the high of sugar and carbs! but i regret it the next day on the scale.  I know that my eating habits place me at higher risk for health problems.  I've experienced cutting out junk and while i didn't feel some spiritual clarity like others speak of, it did reduce my cravings for more junk.

Namaste suggests eating a mostly plant based diet during the intensive and minimizing processed foods.  Eating for life & abundance.  Since one of the habits i'm working on is meal planning, i feel like this is an opportunity to improve my health & food choices to more mindful ones.

I threw out the half container of grapefruit juice, thanking it for the reminder that i enjoy grapefruit, but acknowledging i don't need the sugar.  I threw out the bag of jelly beans, thanking them for indulging my sweet tooth, but i don't need the artificial colors and flavors.

Today's snack (pistachios), lunch (salad) and breakfast (smoothie)

I packed up my breakfast, lunch & a snack this morning and asked how these foods served me.  I noted that much of it was raw.  Everything would taste good.  It was full of vitamins and nutrients.  My smoothie has me still sated at 11:30 am.  This is healthy fuel.

I will have beef and dairy with dinner tonight, but on a bed of veggies rather than on a roll, and with a sweet potato rather than fries.  I need protein and calcium as the baby grows, but i can make good choices about it.  I can put intention into the foods i make.  

I will need to keep asking how my food choices serve me, and acknowledge sometimes i will eat things that do not serve my physical self, but give me pleasure.  Certainly 2 meals does not mean the end of a journey! 

Progressing towards peacefulness

The problem with decluttering is you can't always just make things go away immediately.  I've decided to have a tag sale, but it's almost 2 months away.  All the books and things were piling up in my living room, making me feel stressed and annoyed.

So last night i moved everything to the garage before it rained.  It also meant i moved a few items in the garage to the go-away pile.  i am excited and hopeful that we really are making a dent in the unnecessary possessions by going through this process.

With the tag sale, my intention is getting everything to the garage (or everything i can reasonably get there) by mid May, giving me a week or two to organize and price things.

Moving items meant that once the husband goes through the remaining electronics, the only category remaining in the living room will be board games/toys.  That will be a quick & easy one!

I was able to spend a little time making space for my altar, as part of the The Sacred Feminine Intensive.  It's taken me some time to find the right items and that is still in-process.  I have been making sure i do some of the breathing exercises daily and getting in some movement.  I haven't been perfect at it, but it's also some additional reinforcement on the healthy eating side of things.

Speaking of healthy eating, this week's lunch is Mason Jar Cucumber (Noodle) Salad.  I got lazy and just cut my cucumbers.  It's quite good and very filling.

I feel as if the work on the house and healthier habits leads me to feeling more relaxed.  Even knowing i have a fairly busy night planned for myself is not stressful knowing it all is going towards the things i want to work on.  Maybe it is just the happy breathing the intensive suggests, but this work feels good.

A cake, talk, and meal prep

A Cake!

Here is a picture of the completed cake.  Ian made the sign/flag to go with it.  It's a combination of marshmallow fondant and butter cream frostings, and we used a chocolate ganache inside they layers.

The party went very well - good food, happy kids, really that's all you need.  There were a few near melt downs, but that's expected in this age group!

I had my first unexpected belly touches at the party on Saturday, all from my not-in-laws.  They all wished me well and were happy there will be more babies around this summer.

Afterwards i was very exhausted!

Sunday was not quite as early a start, but it was a very productive day!  I decluttered my desk drawers and a few shelves in the basement.  I had fallen into a common trap - if things are neatly organized, then the quantity doesn't matter.  But having 10 stickers for an organization i don't much care for?  Why?  This process of letting things go is not always simple, but i'm feeling more and more comfortable in my home.  Things feel easier.

I am hoping to spend time tomorrow night moving things to the garage, which will be a base of operations until we hold a tag sale in May.  Right now there are piles in the living room and i don't like that.

Sunday also involved some relationship talk time (exhausting but necessary) and weekly grocery shop & meal prep.  All told i made 11 smoothie packets for breakfasts, 5 snacks, and 5 salads for lunches.  I also made a nice salad for dinner and an actual dinner.  The process is another one that takes a lot of energy and effort but with a great payoff. I eat healthier and have so much more time during the week.  Throwing my "leftover" ingredients into the salad was a great decision i hope to do more consistently going forward.

Alas, a poor night's sleep last night meant i slept much later than i intended to this  morning.  I need to work on finding the balance between getting enough sleep so i feel good and being able to wake up early enough, especially if i am to really commit to the intensive program i'm about to start on.

A Rough Night and a Good Start

Last night Aimee and i stayed up making a pirate ship cake for Connor's 4th birthday.  I can't believe he is turning FOUR!  Where did the little baby who made my heart swell go?

On the way up north, what should have taken 30 minutes took nearly 2 HOURS!  Traffic crawled and people were driving aggressively in response.  I also felt myself getting agitated, having to pee, having no option but to ride through the traffic.  My phone's prognosis told me i would get there faster if i walked!

I am still in the sort of prequel to the Sacred Feminine Intensive, gathering my materials and learning what the expectations of the program are.  One element is practicing breathing, so i used that time to do so.  I did feel calmer, more relaxed and even the pressure in my bladder seemed to fade enough for me to feel more comfortable - certainly no small feat for a pregnant lady!    

The cake is almost done.  Ian was working on a flag when i left last night around 11PM.  Two pregnant ladies, up late on a Friday, exhausted and knowing there is more to go?  We weren't as sweet as the cake, let me tell you.  But!  I think it looks awesome.  It is also a vegan and gluten-free dessert, which definitely created a little bit of a learning curve.

When i got home i was exhausted, and quickly fell asleep.

Alas, sleep was fitfull - i woke up twice (again, darned need to pee!) and the cat was being a fussbudget, meowing and pawing at the door.  I only got a few hours of sleep.  Rather than toss and turn in bed, i woke up an hour and a half before the alarm.  I took time getting dressed, even lighting a candle and taking a pause.  I did a little puttering - emptying trash and straightening up.  Then i set some tea to steep, did a short prenatal yoga video and had my tea as i write this.

I feel very relaxed and ready to take on a day of cleaning, toddlers and sugar.

Returning with a New Self (In Progress)

I know, i know, yet another blog lying dormant and sad, unattended, unloved.

It's not my intention.  Other projects fight for my attention.  My family life gets busy.  Work requires my focus.

And i don't post.  And still don't post.  And then, forever & a day later, i remember a place i did a little writing.

Things look different in my world now.  I'm pregnant (yay!).  5 months along now.  I'm in a massive decluttering project thanks to The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo.  I'm attempting to connect to my spirituality & femininity in a different way through the The Sacred Feminine Intensive, part of the School of Feminine Transformation (S.O.F.T.) hosted by Namaste Moore.

Much of my life feels "in transition".  My body is transforming - my belly growing with the baby, my breasts changing in preparation, and my hormones shifting.  I feel softer, squishier and it's not all comfortable physically or emotionally.

My relationships are shifting.  Not just due to this pregnancy, but my loves are also pregnant (their 3rd!), and it brings with it new dynamics.  One partner is working through big life things.  My  husband is gearing up to add father to his identity and another partner is experiencing a different definition of fatherhood for himself.

My job is in transition.  I hope to take a leave of absence and return at part time.  Pregnancy is having an effect of my career.  I've been placed on desk duty to avoid exposure to the number of hazardous chemicals we work with.

And emotionally, spiritually, i feel new doors opening as others close.  A different connection to something greater than myself and a new sense of drive and creation.

We'll see if i end up blogging here more or not, but i did today.