Today i am 39 weeks pregnant. My coworkers regularly check by and "announce" i am still here, working away. Unfortunately we are rather light at work and being a short-timer means they won't actually give me any projects to work on. It's all rather frustrating, as i want to prove i still belong here, but it's hard when there is nothing to do.
This past weekend was additionally a blow to my ego. I've done the Red Dress Run a few times now. It was my first 5K back in 2010. It's a women's only event through a gorgeous area with an awesome atmosphere. When i first got pregnant i was recovering from a running injury and my hips got very wobbly. Yoga and hiking have been good, but no running, so i decided to walk this one with my dear Mich, maybe hoping it would encourage this baby to appear sooner than later, just a little.
The last few weeks i've had some pelvic pain as my body prepares for giving birth. Walking at a fast pace made me uncomfortable, but i was determined. As the first place winner passed us (the course doubles back at one point) i was cheering and missed a pothole. And tripped.
I've fallen while running alone before, but not at a race. Immediately Mich was helping me up asking if the baby & i were ok. A volunteer on a bike appeared within seconds and checked me out as well. It hurt my pride. I felt clumsy and slow and awkward and a little shaken. I teared up as Mich kept checking in. The man on the bike found me later on the course and checked in again (as if i needed more evidence HMF has the best volunteers!).
After the race i was very sore and in need of water. I was proud to finish (58 minutes) but needed a break. I felt anger with myself for being weak. The walk to the car after (about another mile and a quarter) was slow and mildly painful. Although twice the option to get picked up was offered i turned it down. I did not want to appear fragile. I did not want the level of pain i was in to be obvious.
I'm supposed to work on being receptive. I would know part of that is allowing myself to be cared for, by friends and strangers. But needing care? Needing to slow down? To admit i can't do everything myself right now to the level i want to? It kills my ego. I take so much pride in my strength and stamina, my ability to push through my own challenges to get things done. I sometimes feel like my body is waving a white flag of surrender and my brain is still wanting to battle.
It shows in other places too. Last night was date night with Ian, and it was good, but my body is so awkward now. Duncan worries about me tiring myself out, which i do, but the list of things to do is ever growing and he has limited spoons too. I'm doing my best, and i know at some point my best will return to what it was.
Admitting i can't do it all is harder than actually trying to do it.
I've fallen while running alone before, but not at a race. Immediately Mich was helping me up asking if the baby & i were ok. A volunteer on a bike appeared within seconds and checked me out as well. It hurt my pride. I felt clumsy and slow and awkward and a little shaken. I teared up as Mich kept checking in. The man on the bike found me later on the course and checked in again (as if i needed more evidence HMF has the best volunteers!).
After the race i was very sore and in need of water. I was proud to finish (58 minutes) but needed a break. I felt anger with myself for being weak. The walk to the car after (about another mile and a quarter) was slow and mildly painful. Although twice the option to get picked up was offered i turned it down. I did not want to appear fragile. I did not want the level of pain i was in to be obvious.
I'm supposed to work on being receptive. I would know part of that is allowing myself to be cared for, by friends and strangers. But needing care? Needing to slow down? To admit i can't do everything myself right now to the level i want to? It kills my ego. I take so much pride in my strength and stamina, my ability to push through my own challenges to get things done. I sometimes feel like my body is waving a white flag of surrender and my brain is still wanting to battle.
It shows in other places too. Last night was date night with Ian, and it was good, but my body is so awkward now. Duncan worries about me tiring myself out, which i do, but the list of things to do is ever growing and he has limited spoons too. I'm doing my best, and i know at some point my best will return to what it was.
Admitting i can't do it all is harder than actually trying to do it.
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| Before our walk |
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