Happy birth day.

She's here!!!

Necklace

I saw a necklace ages ago on Etsy, but it was very expensive. I decided to buy similar beads and make it myself. Months ago. 

Everything has been sitting in a drawer, waiting. 

Today, with the enforced rest rule, I took advantage. I think it is lovely and feels good on. I started to make a matching bracelet, but quite honestly my heart wasn't there, so I stopped. 

I don't need to force myself into creative tasks, and happy things shouldn't be done if they make me unhappy!  

I'm about to head up for day two of early to bed, late to rise. This morning I did have more energy and felt better so maybe there is something to all of this!  

Sleepy time

Had my 39 week midwife appointment today.  My blood pressure seems to be creeping up a little bit again, so I need to figure that out. The other issue that came up was my inability to get a good nights sleep. My wonderful midwife and gave me a whole list of things to try. She said the number one reason they have to transfer first time mother to the hospital it's for exhaustion.  Obviously I want to avoid that.

Half an hour before bed, which she suggested to be 830, I have to have a cup of chamomile tea and take a hot bath.  After 25 minutes in the tub, I need to take a combination of skullcap passionflower and St. John's wort tinctures.  

I also need to start taking evening Primrose in the morning and evening. This is to help my cervix get ready and soften.  

Having a bedtime makes me feel childish and silly. Especially one so early. It is now 8:29 and I feel so not ready for bed.

To manage the blood pressure I'm also supposed to be taking it easy. This gets me frustrated. I want to be doing I want to clean the kitchen floor.  

This is an opportunity for me to remember I can ask for help. I can tell my husband I need help. I can accept less than perfection.

I will play by the rules set for me. I want a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy. I've come too far to have these problems now.  

I can't do it all, but i'm still doing it

Today i am 39 weeks pregnant.  My coworkers regularly check by and "announce" i am still here, working away.  Unfortunately we are rather light at work and being a short-timer means they won't actually give me any projects to work on.  It's all rather frustrating, as i want to prove i still belong here, but it's hard when there is nothing to do.

This past weekend was additionally a blow to my ego.  I've done the Red Dress Run a few times now.  It was my first 5K back in 2010.  It's a women's only event through a gorgeous area with an awesome atmosphere.  When i first got pregnant i was recovering from a running injury and my hips got very wobbly.  Yoga and hiking have been good, but no running, so i decided to walk this one with my dear Mich, maybe hoping it would encourage this baby to appear sooner than later, just a little.

The last few weeks i've had some pelvic pain as my body prepares for giving birth.  Walking at a fast pace made me uncomfortable, but i was determined.  As the first place winner passed us (the course doubles back at one point) i was cheering and missed a pothole.  And tripped.

I've fallen while running alone before, but not at a race.  Immediately Mich was helping me up asking if the baby & i were ok.  A volunteer on a bike appeared within seconds and checked me out as well.  It hurt my pride.  I felt clumsy and slow and awkward and a little shaken.  I teared up as Mich kept checking in.  The man on the bike found me later on the course and checked in again (as if i needed more evidence HMF has the best volunteers!).

After the race i was very sore and in need of water.  I was proud to finish (58 minutes) but needed a break.  I felt anger with myself for being weak.  The walk to the car after (about another mile and a quarter) was slow and mildly painful.  Although twice the option to get picked up was offered i turned it down.  I did not want to appear fragile.  I did not want the level of pain i was in to be obvious.

I'm supposed to work on being receptive.  I would know part of that is allowing myself to be cared for, by friends and strangers.  But needing care?  Needing to slow down?  To admit i can't do everything myself right now to the level i want to?  It kills my ego.  I take so much pride in my strength and stamina, my ability to push through my own challenges to get things done.  I sometimes feel like my body is waving a white flag of surrender and my brain is still wanting to battle.

It shows in other places too.  Last night was date night with Ian, and it was good, but my body is so awkward now.  Duncan worries about me tiring myself out, which i do, but the list of things to do is ever growing and he has limited spoons too.  I'm doing my best, and i know at some point my best will return to what it was.

Admitting i can't do it all is harder than actually trying to do it.

Before our walk

Challenges in blogging

I feel like i'm so busy doing i don't have a lot of energy left to write.  This past weekend was a mixture of nesting & social.  Duncan and i bought a new couch, chair and ottoman.  This is the first furniture i've ever bought new that i can think of other than a futon in college, which was meant to be disposable to some degree.  It looks very nice, we just need to take out the old couch now.

Saturday was some family of choice time.  We made a lunch of sandwiches and relaxed at the playground nearby.  Katie is so fearless it is awesome to watch her go.  Connor sometimes hesitates, but with a little cheering he tackles stuff too.  A perk of polyamory - Duncan and Ian stayed at home to build the crib after talking cameras for a while.  We gave this smores-in-a-cone idea a try afterwards and totally YUM!  Foods that are customizable are so great for our family given there are 2 people avoiding gluten, 1 vegan, 1 who can't have dairy or nuts and 1 picky toddler.

Sunday Ian and I went off to Devil's Hopyard.  It's one of my favorite parks, and he'd never been.  It was quite crowded by the falls, but we took the orange path a bit by the water and found lots of quiet. The path we took was much rockier and a harder hike than i had planned for in my skirt and flip-flops, and 8.5 month pregnant belly, but actually not that hard.  I'm so glad we've been hiking all summer and keeping me in shape!

I want to get back to my morning routines and higher productivity, but my body right now isn't there.  This baby just likes to sap a lot of my energy out of me!  

from xkcd